My First Blog Post – Tackling Mental Health

“I’m fine.” ~ Writing with Anxiety

“Hi, how are you?”
“Yeah, good, what about yourself?”
“I’m fine.”
I’m fine.
I’m fine.
I couldn’t possibly tell them the truth. I must keep smiling. If I keep telling people that I’m fine, maybe I will believe it too.
Can we trick our brain into believing the lie if we repeat it enough?

Some days I am fine. Truly fine. I have days where everything flows. I am happy. Content with my life. Enjoying the journey, the process, the routine. And all is right in the world.

I have good days.
Days where I love engaging with my children – playing their games, doing arts and crafts, chasing them around the yard, reading them stories.
Days where I enjoy cleaning the house. The floors are mopped, the kitchen is sparkling, the laundry is done, and my head is clear.
Days where I get my words down. Where I feel a sense of achievement and joy as I write my novels, feeling so happy to be turning my passion for words into a career.
Days where my husband and I talk – really talk – and strengthen our relationship. We enjoy telling each other about our dreams and plans, and we are excited about our future together.

But there are some days where, while I might still do these things, I am screaming inside. Everything is hard. Everything is an effort. I can’t motivate myself to do the dishes. I can’t bring myself to let the children make a mess by doing a painting. I sit down at the laptop but I can’t find the words. I can’t stand being alone in my house, but I don’t want to talk to anyone. These days are hard.

I’ve noticed there seems to be cycles with the way my brain works. I can have a great month with only a few down days and I can turn them around. But sometimes, there are months where every other day is a challenge. It’s a challenge to make myself do basic cleaning and Mum duties, let alone sit down and write a novel. The story is sitting in my head but it gets trapped by the cage of my thoughts. Self-doubt takes hold and I wonder why anyone would bother to read my books. They’re not great literature. They’re nothing special. They are purely for entertainment. I write them for me. Because these stories are what I want to read. I just hope someone else wants to as well.

During these hard times, I cry. A lot. One thing snowballs into another, then another, and all of a sudden, my husband asking me to pick up something from the shop for him since he’s working out of town becomes a mountain that is too hard to climb.

I’m tired. So damn tired. On the really bad days, I just want to run away from it all. I never would, but that’s where my thoughts go.

I often feel guilty. I am so thankful to have a happy and healthy family, not all are so fortunate. Yet, here I am struggling mentally with what is a pretty damned wonderful life. Sometimes I ask myself, what gives me the right to have depression? Why do I feel so anxious over such silly little things? I know they are small things, but my brain can’t handle it. On the bad days, I get tight in my chest, bands lock around my throat and I feel physically sick.

I see a psychologist. I freely admit that. I feel that she is helping me. She has taught me ways to manage my anxiety – breathing activities, increasing positive self-talk, exercising consistently, making healthier food choices and learning about CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy). These help me feel a little better, even if it’s only for a short while.

I don’t have the answer. I don’t have some magical quick fix to share. I am writing this to show others that they’re not alone. That even though it’s hard, even though doubt will cloud your mind, even though you feel like you’ve lost yourself, keep going. It will get better. Enjoy every happy moment. And hold on tightly through the hard ones.

This is not a cry for help or attention. If this helps one person know they’re not alone, it will have served its purpose. I want to be open and upfront with my mental health journey in the hopes that it will encourage others to speak to their friends or family about their own struggles.

I’m not fine. But I know, one day, I will be.
For now, I will just keep putting one foot in front of the other, trusting that there’s a brighter dawn waiting for me tomorrow.

If you are feeling sad, anxious, overwhelmed or simply need someone to talk to, help is available to you through a range of support networks. Please reach out to one of the below Australian organisations:
Lifeline Australia: 13 11 14
Beyond Blue: 1300 224 636
Kids Helpline: 1800 551 80
Emergency: 000
Confidential Helpline: 1800 737 732
Mensline: 1300 78 99 78
Relationships Australia: 1300 364 277